


cough syrup (you are the high that i chase)

by opiates



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety Attacks, Confessions, Drug Abuse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fanart, Implied Suicide Attempt, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, References to Depression, References to Drugs, Sickfic, emo hours: open, soft hours: open
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:39:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24256777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/opiates/pseuds/opiates
Summary: jisung is sick and gets high off cough medicine and hyunjin is there to keep him grounded.jisung works at the local record shop, hyunjin is his roommate who is pursuing a degree in pharmaceutical science. they’re both pining dumbasses."Three quarters into the hour-long documentary, Jisung’s medication kicks in and his eyelids grow heavy with drowsiness. He could barely keep his eyes open but when Hyunjin asked him to go and lie down for a nap he refused, stubbornly insisting that he wanted to watch the cheetah cubs “graduate” and become independent.Hyunjin’s lips quirked into a small amused smile and if Jisung’s head knocked agaisnt Hyunjin’s shoulders when he dozed off intermittently, Hyunjin doesn’t say anything."edit: now with art (at the end)
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 127





	cough syrup (you are the high that i chase)

**Author's Note:**

> mature rating because of the drug abuse + anxiety attack(s)
> 
> ngl idk how severe it might be because i've been working on this on and off for some time so im mostly immune to it now but yeah please heed the tags if you're easily affected

“Jisung! I’m back!” Hyunjin called out, keys clattering in the glass dish they kept near the door. 

  
  


“Jisung?” he tried again but the house was silent.

  
  


He checks the whiteboard near the door that they use to leave small messages to each other. Small messages like “i’ve left for work” or “text me when you wake up if you want carbonara for dinner tonight”. The whiteboard was empty. 

  
  


_Maybe he’s in his room_ , Hyunjin mused as he gently set a plastic container of porridge down on the kitchen counter. He puts the carton of chocolate milk he picked up on the way home in the fridge before settling his bag down in his room and heading to Jisung’s room.

  
  


Hyunjin found Jisung sitting in his computer chair. His body angled away from the table, towards the bed. Feet propped up on the bed and earpieces plugged into his laptop, dozing off in the middle of the afternoon. The sun rays filtering in through the thick half-opened curtains, casting a soft glow behind Jisung. 

  
  


Leaning against the doorframe, Hyunjin stared at his housemate with a fond smile. 

  
  


Jisung’s cheek was squished against his shoulder, mouth slightly open, chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm. 

  
  


Hyunjin’s eyes flicked to the clock on the wall - _three forty in the afternoon_ \- 

  
  


_He should really eat some porridge and his medicine._

  
  


Hyunjin coughed loudly to announce his presence and Jisung woke up with a jolt, nearly pulling his laptop off the table via his earpieces that were still connected to it. 

  
  


“Afternoon,” Hyunjin drawls, smirking slightly at the lost look on the sleepy boy’s face. 

  
  


Jisung frowned, his mouth was dry. “What time is it?” he croaked out, reaching for the water bottle he kept on the table.

  
  


“A little past three thirty, is your stomach up for some porridge? I bought some.”

  
  


As if to answer Hyunjin, Jisung stood up sluggishly and stretched, a slight groan escaping his mouth as he worked out the kinks in his body. 

  
  


“I’ll take that as a yes then.” Hyunjin turned, heading towards the kitchen to heat the porridge up. Jisung trailed after him, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. 

  
  


Stifling another yawn, Jisung sat down on the stool at their kitchen bar, waiting patiently for Hyunjin to heat up the porridge. 

  
  


“Did you call in to tell them you’re sick?” 

  
  


“Yeah they let me take three days of sick leave.” Jisung’s voice is muffled by his arms as he lays on the counter top. “Wait, what are you doing home? Don’t you have classes today?” Jisung’s head shot up, his brain finally registering the time properly.

  
  


“I finished my classes for the day, my last tutorial was cancelled.” Hyunjin hums. Jisung relaxes and goes back to lying down on the counter. “I picked up some chocolate milk by the way.” Hyunjin added on as he transferred the porridge from the pot to a bowl.

  
  


“Yay choco milk,” Jisung cheered sluggishly, coughing slightly.

  
  


“You can only drink it after you eat and take your medicine though.” Hyunjin chided, turning around from the stove to place a bowl of hot porridge in front of Jisung’s limp body on the kitchen bar. 

  
  


They sat in silence at the kitchen bar while Hyunjin scrolled through his social media while Jisung slowly ate the porridge. 

  
  


Eyeing Jisung’s almost finished porridge, Hyunjin got up to go fetch a cup of water and Jisung’s medication in a small white plastic bag on the counter next to the fridge. 

  
  


“You’re so good to me Hyunjin.” Jisung mumbled as he finished the last spoonful of porridge. Grabbing the pills and the cup of water Hyunjin passed him, he swallowed down his medication while making a noise of surprise when Hyunjin collected the bowl, intending to wash it. The sick boy could only make a whine low in his throat when his housemate waved a hand at him to dismiss his thoughts. 

  
  


“Go relax, watch some TV or something,” Hyunjin said, turning on the tap. 

  
  


Jisung stared at Hyunjin’s back with his still sleep-addled brain, gripping the hem of his shirt, he felt his heart skip a beat. He mumbled a soft okay before dragging his sluggish body to the couch in front of their TV. He flicked through the channels, trying to decide on what to watch before setting on a nature documentary on the fastest land animal in the world - the cheetah. 

  
  


Hyunjin dried his hands on the spare kitchen towel as he looked over to see what Jisung was watching. He smiled fondly at the back of Jisung’s head when he realised it was yet another nature documentary. His interests were, wide, to say the least. Hyunjin ruffles Jisung’s hair as he walks away to get the blanket in Jisung’s room. Scooping up the blanket, he hugged it with one hand while heading back into the kitchen again to pour out a small cup of chocolate milk. 

  
  


One hand full of Jisung’s blanket and the other with a small cup of chocolate milk, Hyunjin finally made his way over to his sick housemate. He unceremoniously threw the blanket onto Jisung, blocking his view. “Hey!” 

  
  


When Jisung had finally wormed his way out of his blanket, he was greeted by a cup of chocolate milk and a seemingly impassive Hyunjin who was holding the cup. 

  
  


Jisung made a noise of happiness and gratefully accepted the cup, blowing a kiss to his housemate. Hyunjin stops in his tracks and blinks at Jisung, caught off guard, his ears growing hot. Jisung completely missed it, too focused on drinking his chocolate milk.

  
  


The sick boy looks up to find Hyunjin just standing in front of him, still blocking his view of the screen. Jisung gently pats the area next to him and beckons Hyunjin to join him. As if on autopilot, Hyunjin immediately snaps out of his daze and slots himself next to Jisung on the couch. His arm sliding across Jisung’s shoulders out of reflex.

  
  


“Ugh its so cold,” Jisung murmurs as he pressed himself into Hyunjin’s side, “you’re so warm, Hyunjin-ah.” he ends with a yawn.

  
  


“It’s because you’re sick, your skin is so hot.” Hyunjin retorts back but he doesnt push the boy away.

  
  


They sit and watch the documentary, although it would be more accurate to say that Hyunjin only watched half of the documentary. In between the scenes Hyunjin was sneaking side-ways glances at the sick boy curled up against his side, amused by how immersed Jisung was. 

  
  


He was nearly caught by said boy when Jisung turned to excitedly report that prior to Hyunjin joining him, he had learnt that cheetahs are the only big cats that are unable to roar. Hyunjin had quickly averted his eyes and made a noncommittal noise of wonder but his burning ears didnt escape Jisung’s gaze. 

  
  


Jisung stared at them a tad too long and Hyunjin started to fidget, “Jisung look, the cubs.” and just like that Jisung returned his focus onto the documentary. 

  
  


Discreetly heaving a relieved breath, Hyunjin started being more careful. Though, how could you blame Hyunjin for sneaking glances at Jisung when the boy would occasionally let out sounds while watching the documentary. A coo when the cubs toddled after their mother, a sad whine when predators appeared on screen and a sob when the young feline family was met with any disasters. Such was life in the savannah. 

  
  


Three quarters into the hour-long documentary, Jisung’s medication kicks in and his eyelids grow heavy with drowsiness. He could barely keep his eyes open but when Hyunjin asked him to go and lie down for a nap he refused, stubbornly insisting that he wanted to watch the cheetah cubs “graduate” and become independent. 

  
  


Hyunjin’s lips quirked into a small amused smile and if Jisung’s head knocked agaisnt Hyunjin’s shoulders when he dozed off intermittently, Hyunjin doesn’t say anything. 

  
  


It wasnt until the cup of chocolate milk almost slipped out of Jisung’s hands that Hyunjin really insisted on Jisung going to bed. The documentary ended just in time and when Jisung sleepily blinked his eyes open to refuse Hyunjin yet again, he quickly shut his mouth when he saw the credits rolling. 

  
  


He bundled up his blanket and returned his cup into the kitchen sink and shot Hyunjin a look, _please help me wash my cup,_ to which Hyunjin nodded. Jisung blows him another sleepy kiss before heading back to his room, yet again missing the way Hyunjin’s ears were on fire. 

  
  


Hyunjin makes quick work of the cup, planning out which assignments to focus on in his mind as he washed away the suds. He was drying his hands on the spare dishtowel again when- 

  
  


“Hyunjin!” He hears Jisung calling for him. Worried that something might have gone wrong in the five minutes he was away from Jisung, Hyunjin rushed into the room, forgetting all about his assignments. 

  
  


He bursts into the room, concern written all over his face, “What’s wrong?” 

  
  


He was greeted by the sight of the younger boy sitting up in his bed, looking all comfy and warm, looking up at him expectantly, “I want a hug.”

  
  


“You need sleep, idiot,” Hyunjin sighed, placing a hand on Jisung’s shoulder before gently pushing him from his up-right position back into his bed, settling on the edge of Jisung’s bed.

  
  


Jisung whines and pouts, “no hugs?” before sluggishly throwing his arms open. 

  
  


“Hyunjin, hug” Jisung demands weakly, his eyes were barely open, a small grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. 

  
  


Hyunjin just sighs good naturedly with a smile, pushing himself up from the end of the bed. 

  
  


“Okay, okay, hugs.” 

  
  


Hyunjin settles in the warm, _too warm_ , embrace of Jisung and rests his head on the sick boy’s chest, arms circling around Jisung’s waist. He lets out a quiet little breath he didn’t know he was holding, relaxing to the rhythmic up-and-down of Jisung’s breathing. The room was quiet, save for the constant hum of the electric fan and the calm resonating sound of Jisung’s heartbeat. 

  
  


_“Ah, my assignments”,_ Hyunjin belatedly thinks as the temptation of sleep lulls him into a false sense of security.

  
  


Hyunjin is about ready to drift off when Jisung’s heartbeat picks up. Hyunjin shifts slightly. His sleepiness ebbing away as Jisung’s breathing becomes erratic. 

  
  


Jisung’s voice cracks the silence. 

  
  


“I can feel my heartbeat.”

  
  


“Of course you can feel your heartbeat dummy.” Hyunjin doesn’t miss a beat, even though worry starts blooming in his chest. 

  
  


Jisung’s chest heaves, “No, I can _feel_ my heartbeat Hyunjin.” 

  
  


He started taking in deep breaths, fingers clenching around Hyunjin’s shirt, trying to find purchase, “I can _feel_ my heartbeat”. 

  
  


Hyunjin is suddenly wide awake, he hears the panic in Jisung’s voice. Pushing off the younger’s chest, Hyunjin sits up and stares at him, searching his face, silently willing Jisung to continue speaking. 

  
  


“I, I can’t really describe it,” Jisung starts, fingers moving from Hyunjin’s shirt to his wrist. Jisung struggles to sit up. Hyunjin slowly slides his hand over Jisung’s as an act to calm him down, “Try.”

  
  


Jisung blinks, a few tears escaping his eyes. Hyunjin’s mind is going at a million miles per hour. He has no idea how to help him. In the dim light he sees Jisung lowering his head, his whole body shaking as he tries to regulate his breathing. Shakily, Jisung brings a hand up to cover his mouth and nose. Jisung’s fingers press harder into Hyunjin’s wrist, causing him to flinch a little when Jisung’s nails dig into his skin. 

  
  


Jisung’s head snaps up and he’s staring at Hyunjin, he’s breathing through his mouth, he doesn’t let go of Hyunjin’s wrist. There’s tension in the air as Jisung looks into Hyunjin’s eyes. Hyunjin feels a chill down his back, he’s seen this look once and once only, when things were getting too rough, about to spill over.

  
  


“Do you want some water?” Hyunjin tries, swallowing a lump in his throat.

  
  


“I haven’t felt this in a while” Jisung deflects, voice barely above a whisper.

  
  


“Felt what?”

  
  


“Felt…” Jisung pauses, playing with words in his mouth, “felt scared”. 

  
  


His voice cracks, “Felt alive.” 

  
  


Jisung’s grip on Hyunjin’s wrist loosens. Hyunjin can feel Jisung’s fingers trembling under his. 

  
  


He looks up at Jisung, face unreadable, “Maybe you should switch medications.” he reaches over and smooths Jisung’s bangs away from his face. 

  
  


Jisung blinks up at him through wet lashes, trying to draw a steady breath through his mouth.

  
  


“It’s not the medicine’s fault. It’s just a cough syrup. You know that.” Jisung’s tongue darts out to lick his lips. “You know I relapse sometimes right?” 

  
  


“Yeah obviously I know what’s in the cough syrup and I know about your relapses.” Hyunjin sighs, “it’s exactly because of that, that’s why I’m suggesting changing medication.”

  
  


“But you also know no matter what cough syrup they change it to it’s still gonna be the same, don’t you?” 

  
  


“Yeah.” Hyunjin exhales through his nose, “it’s not good for you.”

  
  


“But it _feels_ good,” Jisung murmurs, “most of the time..”

  
  


Jisung averts his gaze, “I only have relapses if I stay up too late when I'm on it.” 

  
  


“You’ve never felt it, have you?” Jisung’s body is slumped forward, Hyunjin can see the tiredness in Jisung’s face, the dark eye bags hanging under his eyes, the slight flare of his nostrils, the nervous twitch of his lips.

  
  


“I’m lucky I don’t,” Hyunjin mumbles, unable to look Jisung in the eye. While he knew what helplessness felt like, he didn’t feel it to the degree that Jisung did. To the degree of standing at high places just wondering what it would be like lying on the floor in a few seconds. Hyunjin intertwines their fingers. Jisung is still trembling. 

  
  


“You’re lucky.” Jisung parrots back, his voice a whisper, eyes flicking down to look at their hands. He flexes his fingers experimentally. 

  
  


“My fingers are numb.”

  
  


Hyunjin grips Jisung’s hand firmer.

  
  


Time trickled by as they sat in silence, Hyunjin is rubbing circles over Jisung’s thumb. 

  
  


He opens his mouth to speak but Jisung beats him to it.

  
  


“Have you ever gotten high?” 

  
  


Hyunjin looks up, eyebrows furrowing. He doesn’t know if he should tell the truth. 

  
  


“Once.” He sighed. “When I was at a club.”

  
  


“How was the music?”

  
  


Jisung’s question caught Hyunjin off-guard, he didn’t think the conversation was heading in that direction. He looks up at Jisung in confusion, “I’m sorry, what?” 

  
  


“The music.” Jisung repeats. “How was it?” 

  
  


Hyunjin frowns, trying to recall that night. He was out partying with a bunch of friends to celebrate the end of their finals. 

  
  


“It was,” he purses his lips, still trying to think about that night, “alright.” The night was a hazy blur in his mind. He couldn’t remember much from it. 

  
  


“Did you feel it?”

  
  


Jisung is fiddling with the blanket with his free hand.

  
  


“The high? Yeah -”

  
  


“No, the music.” Jisung cuts him off.

  
  


“Oh. Hm. Yeah I did. I definitely felt the bass. The sound system was insane.” Hyunjin recalled the pounding in his head the morning after. 

  
  


“Maybe we experience different highs.” Jisung concludes.

  
  


Hyunjin blinks. “How do you experience music when you’re high?”

  
  


Jisung doesn’t say anything for 10 counts. Hyunjin counted. 

  
  


Jisung went back to fiddling with his blanket. “I feel it. With my whole body.”

  
  


“It’s like my whole body is in sync with the music. My heart beats along to the tempo, my blood flows along to the tune, my mind empties itself, I can’t concentrate on anything but my breathing.” 

  
  


“That’s… worrying to say the least.”

  
  


“It feels _fucking amazing_.” Jisung breathes out, eyes lighting up in a way they shouldn’t. 

  
  


“For once, I can just focus on my breathing and feel the music and not think about anything else.”

  
  


“Running away from your thoughts? You’d purposely get sick to get cough syrup so you can get high to run away from your thoughts?” Hyunjin asked, a tinge of incredulity in his voice. It wasn’t something that people regularly thought about. 

  
  


It wasn’t something _regular people_ thought about. 

  
  


“You don’t get it.” Jisung snaps at Hyunjin, something dark replacing the light in his eyes. “You don’t understand.” 

  
  


Hyunjin jerks a little at the hostility in the younger’s voice, belatedly realising he had stepped on a landmine. Of course Hyunjin didn’t understand, he had been lucky, remember? Lucky he doesn’t know the fear, the quietness and the loneliness.

  
  


He squeezed Jisung’s hand. “Help me understand.” 

  
  


Jisung blinks. It’s the first time anyone had said that to him. The first time anyone tried to understand him. The first time anyone really listened to what he said. Jisung gapes, caught by surprise, stuttering small “um”s and “oh”s.

  
  


“Talk to me.” Hyunjin gives his hand another squeeze to reassure Jisung. 

  
  


Jisung draws a breath, an effort to clear his head and calm his nerves.

  
  


“When I take the syrup, when I don’t sleep, there’s a cotton haze in my brain, my fingers go numb and my arms don’t move as fast as I want them to.” Jisung tilts his head, tongue flicking out to swipe across his lips. “When I listen to music I feel it with my whole body. It’s as if I’m really one with it. When the beat picks up, my heart rate increases.” 

  
  


“My brain..” he chews on his bottom lip, “my brain feels like mush and I can’t think for long. The only thing I can focus on is breathing.” 

  
  


“It’s scary,” Jisung lets out a shaky laugh that develops into a sob. “It’s scary but I’m so high and it feels so good and I can finally stop thinking about _things_ that I shouldn’t be thinking about.” 

  
  


“It was getting too quiet for me to concentrate on anything else.” he ended on a whisper. 

  
  


Hyunjin was silent the entire time Jisung was trying to explain himself, nodding at intervals to show that he was listening.

  
  


He never thought that he’d have to see it again, this desperation. Jisung was doing so well, they were getting complacent. Relapses were bound to happen and they weren’t careful enough. Hyunjin can feel tears prickling in his eyes. 

  
  


“Were you thinking about _that_ again?” 

  
  


Jisung nods and a few tears escaped the corners of his eyes. He folds his bottom lip into his mouth and sucks on it, trying not to sob any louder.

  
  


“Jisung…” Hyunjin starts, choking on the last syllable, trying to swallow back the cry that goes unnoticed by the panicking boy.

  
  


His head whips up, voice caught in his throat, eyes wide, “No Hyunjin, it’s not like that, you know I won’t do anything, I do think about it but I’m too much of a coward to do anything like that.” he rambled, fingers circling Hyunjin’s wrist in an iron grip, trying to reassure the other boy. 

  
  


It was to no avail. Hyunjin couldn’t stop the wretched cry that escaped his lips. He knew that he shouldn’t be the one crying, this was about Jisung, and he was taking it away from him. He couldn’t stop the tears, hot and relentless, Hyunjin thinks he’s never felt this distress before. 

  
  


Jisung is jolted out of his rambling when he hears Hyunjin’s soft sobbing. 

  
  


“Hyunjin, no, no no no,” Jisung starts again, “No, don’t cry. Why are you crying?”

  
  


Hyunjin thinks he almost hears the accusation in the sick boy’s question. 

  
  


_Why are you crying? Why are you crying when it should be me crying?_

  
  


Hyunjin is overwhelmed with guilt and his heart hurts, oh hurts so bad. Wrapping his hands around his head, he bends forward, he’s sorry, he’s so, so, sorry. 

  
  


“I’m sorry. I’m sorry Jisung.”

  
  


“I, this is about you but I, I’m sorry, I just.” Hyunjin stutters out. His feelings, good, bad, filled his heart, and it finally burst.

  
  


The boy that caused it all couldn’t say a thing, he didn't know what to say. He hovered over his roommate, dissolved in sobs. He doesn’t understand why Hyunjin is crying. No one ever cried when he talked about this. He could recall the way some of his, ah, _acquaintances,_ looked at him, the disbelief, the skepticism. Nobody ever reacted like Hyunjin. 

  
  


“Hey, hey, I’m still here aren’t I?” Jisung tried to soothe him, laughing weakly and ending with a few choked coughs. He rubs a reassuring hand over Hyunjin’s back. Jisung’s tears start welling up in his eyes again. He worried his roommate, his best friend, his - God forbid he ever admit it - crush, the _love of his life,_ into tears and he’s the one at fault. 

* * *

Jisung remembers the first time he saw Hwang Hyunjin, his ridiculously fluffy perfect hair, his stupidly pretty lips and the beauty mark under his left eye that looked too sexy for a high schooler. 

  
  


Jisung hated him on sight. If he was less stubborn he’d admit that he was jealous of Hyunjin. 

  
  


Hyunjin didn’t understand why Jisung had been so hostile towards him and he didn’t bother finding the reason. If Jisung wanted to be rude and mean to him, well, an eye for an eye right?

  
  


It was only thanks to their mutual friend circle, that they grew closer over the years.

  
  


In the first year of knowing each other, Jisung started noticing that the way Hyunjin would brush his hair out of his face, and the way it fell right back, left him slightly breathless. 

  
  


Hyunjin started growing fond of the way Jisung laughs with his whole body, the way his eyes crinkle up, the way his eyebrows arched and the prettiest opened-mouth smile Hyunjin had ever seen. Hyunjin thinks quietly to himself that he would never tire seeing Jisung laugh.

  
  


In the second, they grew apart. Jisung met two seniors he bonded well with and started producing music with them. Hyunjin had started fawning over a new junior with sharp eyes and a cute smile in his after-school co-curricular dance club. Annoyed that their schedules weren’t lining up, _which was a lie, they were just mutually jealous of the time they spent away from each other with others,_ they bickered and fought. 

  
  


_“Maybe if you’d understand that I love rapping, I can't give it up.”_

  
  


_“Maybe if you’d consider that I love dancing, I can't abandon it.”_

  
  


Needless to say, neither of them wanted to give up their passions and commitments and it drove a wedge between them. A year-long wedge neither of them predicted would revert them back to being strangers.

  
  
  


In the third, they were placed in the same graduating class. They could only regard each other with stiff politeness and curt greetings until they became deskmates. It didnt take long for them to reconcile, Jisung’s breath still gets stolen when Hyunjin brushes his fringe out of his face, and Hyunjin’s heart still skips a beat when Jisung laughs with his whole body. 

  
  


Old habits die hard, is the saying.

  
  


Jisung remembers the day they graduated. He remembers all the flowers Hyunjin received and he remembers the way his stomach lurched when he saw Hyunjin chatting casually with a female classmate. 

  
  


Similarly, Hyunjin remembers the way Jisung had shrunk back when their classmates started crowding around and cheering in the hall after the graduation ceremony. The way Jisung tried to slip away to get a breath of fresh air. The way Jisung was shocked when Hyunjin asked if he could follow him - and Hyunjin definitely didn’t miss the faint glint of happiness in Jisung’s eyes when he actually did follow him out. 

  
  


Both of them remembered the excitement in the air, _they were graduating!_ Correspondingly, they also remembered the nervous tension, what were they going to do after graduation, did the universities they applied to accept them, were they going to get a job.

  
  


_Were they going to grow apart again?_

  
  


Sitting on the staircase furthest from the hall, they had elapsed into a comfortable silence, just enjoying each other’s company and the cold crisp air.

  
  


“I’m going to university,” Hyunjin started, turning to look at Jisung, “What about you?” The other boy looked down dejectedly, the tip of his nose red from the cold. Before Jisung could reply, Hyunjin blurted out, “Do you want to live with me?”

  
  


“No, as in,” Hyunjin flounders when confusion was written all over Jisung’s face, “my parents said it would be better if I got a small apartment near the university.” He rambled on, “but all the apartments have two bedrooms and I don’t need two bedrooms and it’s too much space for me I woudln’t know what to do and beside, I know about your situation so I was thinking maybe we could split the cost or something-”

  
  


Hyunjin’s heart skips a beat for the billionth time as he was interrupted by Jisung’s laugh. He was stunned dumb by how radiant Jisung looked, Hyunjin’s mouth hanging slightly open as he confirms to himself, _yep, i’ll never grow tired of that laughter._

  
  


Butterflies started fluttering in Hyunjin’s stomach, thinking Jisung’s laugh signified that he thought it was a stupid idea.

  
  


Jisung remembers the first time he saw Hwang Hyunjin, his ridiculously fluffy perfect hair, his stupidly pretty lips and the beauty mark under his left eye that looked too sexy for a high schooler. The way he hated Hwang Hyunjin the first time they ever met eyes.

  
  


But Jisung also remembers everything else that happened afterwards and how he grew to like Hwang Hyunjin even more, with all his idiosyncrasies and their friendly banters and shared heart-to-hearts, the ups-and-downs of their friendship.

  
  


Most importantly, Jisung remembers the day Hyunjin asked him to live with him. Remembers the way warmth bloomed in his chest on that cold Febuarary afternoon when he saw the way Hyunjin smiled when he agreed. Remembers the moment his crush turned into love with a bittersweet feeling. 

  
  


They moved in together and became closer than ever. Jisung decided to work at the local record shop in town and Hyunjin attended university. They shared breakfasts and dinners, shared the housework, chatting ceaselessly every day, never getting tired of each other’s company. 

  
  


Jisung loved listening to Hyunjin talk just about anything, really, except he would tamp down the ugly feelings that bloomed in his heart when Hyunjin would talk enthusiastically about how his female classmates in university were exceptionally talented in thier field. 

  
  


Jisung had actively snuffed out any thought of having his love reciprocated, content by just being by Hyunjin’s side. He coudln’t handle even a single strand of hope, it made his heart unbearingly heavy. As long as Hyunjin was happy, Jisung was happy.

* * *

So, remembering all this and seeing Hyunjin cry over him, shattered Jisung’s heart into a million splinters.

  
  


Jisung cried with Hyunjin, gripping the sleeve of Hyunjin’s shirt. 

  
  


He was getting tired, the exhaustion of crying plus his drowsy cough medication taking its full effect. His chest was heaving, drawing in large amounts of air tediously. Jisung coughs. 

  
  


“I love you Jisung,” Hyunjin suddenly blurted out in between sobs, “I can’t imagine a world without you, please don’t leave me behind.”

  
  


Jisung sucks in a breath and he stops crying, he thinks he heard his best friend, the love of his life, wrong.

  
  


“I- you what?”

  
  


Hyunjin finally looks up at Jisung, life brimming fiercely in his tear-filled eyes. He grabs the front of Jisung’s shirt. “I love you Han Jisung.” he enunciates every syllable, before the expression fades into something more melancholic. “Please, don’t leave me.” he whispers as he buried his head into Jisung’s chest.

  
  


Tears started leaking from Jisung’s eyes again but this time it wasn’t because he was sad or anxious. His heart swells, he feels so full, so happy, but at the same time, he felt guilty. His long-time crush, someone he thought was unattainable, just confessed to him but at what cost? He made Hyunjin cry. This wasn’t the confession fantasy he had envisioned, but then again, nothing ever went the way he envisioned them to go. 

  
  


Jisung’s an ugly crier, puffy eyes, leaking snot, heaving breaths, he wished his confession could have been prettier.

  
  


“I love you Hwang Hyunjin. I’ve been in love with you for the past five years, you’re so good to me, how could I ever leave you?” 

  
  


He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and pulled Hyunjin’s face to his.

  
  


Hyunjin can taste the salt in Jisung’s tears, their teeth clacking together as they continue to kiss clumsily, high on emotions, high on the affirmation of each other’s affections. 

  
  


Hyunjin pushes Jisung back into bed, cradling Jisung’s face in his hands while placing kisses feverently all over his face, nevermind the snot, tears and saliva. Hyunjin whimpers, he loves Jisung so much. 

  
  


They laid in Jisung’s bed, hugging each other, forehead to forehead, arms around each other’s waist, legs tangled.

  
  


_“I love you,”_ Hyunjin breathes out.

  
  


Jisung stifles a sob as he replies _“I love you”._

  
  


Jisung moves forward a little to kiss the tip of Hyunjin’s nose, his body heavy, movements sluggish from the medicine and the exhaustion of crying so much.

  
  


_“I won’t ever leave you,”_ Jisung whispers as he loses to sleep. Hyunjin’s heart swells as he stares at Jisung’s eyelashes resting on his tear-stained cheeks, lifting a hand to wipe away a last stray tear that escapes Jisung’s eye. 

  
  


Hyunjin continued to stare at Jisung’s peaceful sleeping face until his own eyelids droop, succumbing to sleep as well. 

  
  


Their breathing evens out and they sleep, limbs tangles, eyes puffy, throat hoarse from crying. 

  
  


They sleep, with their hearts beating in sync.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> i watched a documentary on cheetahs for this. han jisung your impact. 
> 
> i was writing the high school part while listening to 童话 on repeat, here's a [link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpYtEeiWUW8/) to a lyric video with (slightly wrong but mostly correct) english translations, if you would like to get the vibe. (surprisingly fits the whole fic tho lmao) 
> 
> thank you for reading!
> 
> just a friendly (ironic) reminder from ao3 user opiates: dont do drugs. if you think you're getting addicted or if you are addicted, please seek help. no one will blame you, it is a physical thing and you dont really have control over it.


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